Three to Five Years

During this stage, known as the pre-school years, children experience a number of developmental changes. It is important to adjust parenting styles in order to accommodate a child's new development, while remembering that pre-schooler's still need guidance and support.

Children at these ages think that they are the center of attention and because of this they often feel that they are responsible for their parent's separation. Children may say what they think their parents want to hear, this does not necessarily reflect the child's real experience. If the child reports parental behavior that causes concern, discuss the matter with the other parent. In many cases, the child may have misunderstood what happened and talking to the other parent may resolve the issue.

Pre-schooler's tend to be very impulsive and concrete in their thinking. Nightmares are normal at this stage as children become able to imagine scary things, but have a hard time coping with their fears.

Children in this stage of development may still become anxious when they are separated from their regular care giver. They may have difficulty moving between their parents' homes. Children will do much better if each parent can display a positive attitude during transitions and give advanced notice of any anticipated changes.

Children at this age can benefit from structured time with other children their own age, away from their parents. Children are beginning to understand days of the week, but not time. Therefore, they still need to have concrete routines. A child's sleep schedule may be changing in terms of changing nap times or not taking naps at all. It is important for parents to communicate and take into account their child's changing sleep cycle.

Six to Nine Years

Children in the middle years of childhood are more settled and have more experience with multiple separations from parents. Children are getting used to being away from their parents, they attend school now, go to friends or relatives houses, some children get involved with sports, et cetera.

During this stage children begin to:

Develop peer and community relationships

Attain self-esteem as they develop personal and social skills

Develop empathy and a sense of right and wrong

Children in this stage of development understand the concepts of time and routine. They become more independent than their younger peers and more secure with the idea of two residences. They usually can adjust to different parenting styles. This and the next stage of development are typically the most flexible stages, which allows parents to be more creative in preparing parenting plans.

Ten to Twelve Years

This stage is known as the "pre-teen years." Children are preparing to make the jump into puberty and adolescence. They have more capability to understand time, to appreciate future plans and schedules, and to balance different parenting styles. Children at this age tend to be rule bound and may align themselves with one parent. If your child refuses to see the other parent, you should seek assistance from a professional family counselor.

Parents should encourage their "pre-teens" to get involved in a variety of activities outside of the home. Such participation helps children develop social and intellectual skills in preparation for the greater independence and demands of adolescence. Parents should listen to their children's feelings about the need for more control over their own time while making it clear that parents make the final decisions. Balancing time with parents, friends, and activities requires flexibility and commitment to maintaining a strong relationship with both parents. By supporting increased independence parents will contribute to their child's self-esteem and self-confidence.

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